For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mummy. To have my own children was, for me a huge ambition in life. I am incredibly lucky in the fact I never had any problems or issues surrounding pregnancy. I haven’t had to go through the heartache of miscarriage or go through the pain of being unsuccessful in a quest to conceive month after month. I am truly thankful for that.
I always thought being a mum would come naturally to me and on the most part it has. I quickly learned how to look after a newborn, baby, toddler, pre-schooler and I have enjoyed watching each of my boys grow from a tiny human into gorgeous little boys. But it hasn’t always been easy. Motherhood is not all rainbows and flowers. It is the hardest, most tiring, relentless job on the planet. Every day throws new challenges to overcome. A clingy baby, a toddler with a poorly chest or a night in hospital with an ‘unspecified rash’. There isn’t a day goes by that isn’t filled with moments of worry, self doubt and questioning every single decision you make.
I collapse on the sofa some evenings feeling guilty for shouting, wishing I had been more patient and listened properly to Ellis trying to explain something to me. Regretting not putting my phone down and playing with them on the floor. If only I had spent an extra 5 minutes snuggling on the sofa instead of getting up to wash the dishes.
For a long time I took the boys and their daddy for granted. Whilst I was a working mum, my career came first, my socialising with my regular customers took over bath time’s and goodnight stories. That was a moment of parenting I regret the most, missing out on those important moments to fulfil my selfish needs to have a pint with a local.
I got it wrong for a long time, I admit that and I am sorry to my boys for that, but we can’t always get it right. We make mistakes, and have moments where priorities are blurred and we make a poor decision. Just like the times you get cross instead of taking two minutes to listen to why your son is causing a fuss over what appears to be nothing.
As much as I have moments where I regret my decisions, question my ability as a mother and wish I had handled a situation differently, i also feel love like i have never felt love before.
I have three boys, who, despite the amount of times I get it wrong, look up to me like no other woman in their lives. Yes, I make mistakes but in the eyes of those three darling boys I can do no wrong. They never question my ability, they never correct my mistakes and they never resent a bad decision. They need me, they want me. I am their mummy and that is all that matters to them. That I am there. There to listen to a twenty minute explanation that makes no sense. There to make things better when they fall over or bump their head. There to tickle and kiss good night.
As parents we often question ourselves but lets start looking at it differently, will our children really suffer if we don’t fill every hour of every day with activity and adventure? Will our children grow up to be missing out because we didn’t spend 5 extra minutes on the 6th March 2016 playing hungry hippo’s with them? Will our children think of themselves as neglected if we go out on a few too many date nights? No of course not. Our children don’t see our faults, they see what they want to see. The mummy that they completely idolise and want to be just like when they grow up.
It’s time I give myself some slack, I’m not perfect, but what parent is? I make mistakes, I shout too much, I have days where I just don’t want to play mum. But at the end of the day I have three gorgeous boys that worship the ground I walk on, and whilst that’s the case, I’m doing a pretty good job at this mummy malarkey.
Their love is all I need, and my love is all they need.