“I wouldn’t want him any other way”… Rubbish! 28


Well, we have reached my 100th post. Which is quite a big deal for me. I don’t generally stick to things for very long, so reaching this milestone means a lot to me. And I wanted to write a memorable post to mark the occasion.

When thinking about what to write for my 100th post, I didn’t really know which way to go, but it felt right to go back to the subject that got me blogging in the first place. Hayden.

Again, I struggled about what to talk about. But I thought I would actually finish a post I started months and months ago, but was never brave enough to finish let alone publish.

I wouldnt want him any other way

You often hear parents make that claim “I wouldn’t want him any other way” (or her of course!). Usually after a negative sentence, such as he drives me insane, but i wouldn’t want him any other way. Or he has been a nightmare but I wouldn’t want him any other way.

You find it happens more often when a parent has a child with special needs or some kind of medical condition.

This phrase

It bothers me

I’m sorry, whilst we accept sometimes our children are different, and have different difficulties. You wouldn’t want them any other way? Well of course you would!

You would prefer your child to not have those difficulties surely!?

Or maybe that sentence is genuine from some. But not one you will ever hear leave my lips.

Hayden.

Hayden

Hayden is my gorgeous son, who I love no matter what hurdles we have to face through our lives.

But.

If I was to say I wouldn’t want him any other way I would be lying.

I want a conversation, I want to feel like I have done him proud in his early years, but I have a little boy starting school that is yet to talk, yet to be potty trained, yet to dress himself, yet to understand that a plaster will stop his blisters hurting.

I want to hear him tell me he loves me, I want to be able to take him out of the house without being worried that he will be bothered by the amount of people present. I want him to enjoy days out without being bored within 3 minutes.

I want to be 8 weeks into potty training with having more than 4 stickers on his reward chart.

I don’t want to worry that in a few years time the kids that are his classmates will realise he is ‘different’

Hayden

I don’t want to worry about him being bullied because he can’t accept new relationships.

I want to know one day he will leave home, have a girlfriend, have his own children.

Along with every parent I know, I want the best for him.

I want him to be happy & successful.

I want him to live a ‘normal’ life.

That doesn’t make me a bad mum surely?!

Yes, I accept Autism is a part of Hayden, and something that will remain with us for life, but he would still be my gorgeous, funny, intelligent, affectionate little boy with or without it. And I certainly wish he didn’t have to battle with this through his entire life. And I am not sorry for saying that.

Hayden & Mummy

 


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28 thoughts on ““I wouldn’t want him any other way”… Rubbish!

  • Jenny @ thebrickcastle

    Such an honest post – and I totally agree. There are parts to my children that I adore, and parts I wish I could take away. Sometimes they even overlap!! All we really ever want for any of them is actually ‘just above average’ at school, loving partner, 2.4 kids, 3 bed-semi, sensible car. That line is never so straight though.
    I adore the photo of the boys there holding hands – my boys do it all of the time and while I know it’s because mine are scared, it melts my heart 🙂 x

  • Lady Nym

    I would want Tyger to feel less anxious all the time. I’d want him to have a better understanding of how reciprocal communication works (though, he does pretty well, I guess), I’d want him to not have to experience meltdowns. I don’t think that makes either of us bad mums.

  • Catie: An imperfect mum

    This is such an honest and open post and I agree given the choice I would do the same because I want my son to have a lucky life, I want to remove the obstacles he faces. But I do feel uncomfortable admitting this because it does feel like I am being disloyal to my big lad and I wonder how he will feel in the future when he can advocate for himself. Many autistic people talk about the autism being part of who they are. It is such a difficult subject. #spectrumsunday

    • Sons, Sand & Sauvignon Post author

      Thanks Catie, I understand what you mean, it can feel like you are saying that you don’t like the person they are, but that’s not the way it is meant, I think that’s why many parents who don’t have to experience it may think that way. xx

  • Anne-Marie

    As an autistic adult, I wouldn’t get rid of my autism because then I wouldn’t be me. But, yes, I would love to get rid of the anxiety. And I’d take the anxiety away from my daughters too. But maybe one day the world will become more accepting and we’ll all have less difficulties.

  • RainbowsR2beautiful (@rainbowsaretoo)

    Yes, its not that I want another child or want my children without autism. But like every mum I want what’s best for my kids. It would be best if they didn’t scratch peoples faces, it would be best if they could tell me what they want. It would be best if they could sleep so the family could sleep. To day I wouldn’t want them any other way would be rubbish. Otherwise why am I trying so hard to help them change their behaviours?

  • Teresa Fraticelli

    I completely agree! My 3 year old son was just diagnosed in May with ASD. He is so loving and smart. He is my heart !
    We don’t stress on what we can’t change and just live each day with as much love and laughter as we can squeeze in.

  • Lisa vickers

    I have an Austic son and a son with ADHD and mental health problems. Just want to say well done your blog is perfect and so right xxxx

  • mummy/nannan

    Can i just correct one part of your statement please. You Have done all of your sons proud. You have also done myself your dad and stepdad very proud. You have 3 amazing sons and autism is Hayden ok their are things we all wish he could do. But Hayden may not be the Hayden we all love with out the autism. From a very proud mum and nan nan. Xxxxxx

  • Jennifer Evans

    This is exactly how I tried to explain what bothered me so much when my son was recently diagnosed with Autism. Not that the diagnosis changed who he was, or how much I loved him but that it would make his life more difficult and I don’t want that for him. As mothers we love unconditionally, we care enormously and worry immensely, but that is all intensified when you realize that your child has to face difficulties you never imagined when they are first born. Not wanting him to face those things, not wanting those difficulties to be a part of his every day life or people to judge, harass or insult him because he is special doesn’t make you a bad parent, just one that cares about the type of life he has. Thank you for being willing to put this out there and being honest. I think more people need to be honest and share how they really feel. It connects us in ways we may not even begin to realize. I am glad that I am not the only proud mom who feels this.

    • Sons, Sand & Sauvignon Post author

      Thank you Jennifer, It is hard to explain to others that don’t understand, as much as I love Hayden the way he is, I would love him just as much without the Autism, but I wouldn’t have the daily worries that he will struggle with so many things for the rest of his life. xx

  • Michelle

    Thank you for your brave and honest story. My brother has just turned 29 and although I love him dearly I wish I could take away some of the pain he faces on a daily basis. His aspergers causes such high levels of anxiety he finds everyday situations challenging. I would love nothing more than for him to be able to face the world independently and have a happy and settled future. Watching the worry on my parents face as they realise that their dreams for him may never come true hurts on a daily basis. I hope that your little one has a happy and successful life as society becomes more understanding of the spectrum. X

  • Linda King

    Thank you for being ‘brave’ and saying that. I agree completely. My 14yr old daughter has Aspergers. I love her with my while heart and that is exactly why I wish Autism didn’t exist. Right now, it doesn’t make her special, it is making life horrendously difficult and causing her depression, and anxiety 24/7. If I could take it away from her, I’d do it in a heartbeat!

  • Gemma

    I understand what you mean lovely and it does not mean you are a bad mum, not at all. He has you as a loving mother so I am sure he will be fine through school. Just keep supporting him and things will be fine 🙂 Don’t ever feel bad for feeling how you do.

    Gemma xxx

  • Louise (Little Hearts, Big Love)

    Such a thought-provoking and moving post – I think you have it spot on though with your accepting and loving your son whole-heartedly for who he is with or without autism but at the same time wishing that he didn’t have to battle with it throughout his life. The phrase “I wouldn’t have him/her any other way” is not one that I tend to use either – my eldest daughter has a complex heart condition and I would give anything to be able to wave a magic wand, fix her heart completely and to live a completely “normal” family life without the challenges that it brings. Her heart condition doesn’t change the person she is, or my love for her though.