I don’t need your parenting advice 21

From the moment you announce a pregnancy, you find yourself bombarded with tips, tricks, parenting advice, opinions and judgment from pretty much everyone you know. Even people you don’t know. Some of this is welcomed, some, not so much.

parenting advice

I have to admit, I too have been guilty of doing this. I have even written a few ‘tips’ posts in the past. But these posts are intended for people who would welcome that advice. People looking for how to get their baby to sleep through the night, or how to manage their money better.

Having an autistic child definitely heightens the level of opinions, judgement and unwanted advice. And it is something that drives me absolutely mental. Not everyone’s advice is intended to upset me of course. Actually none of it is, but there are a certain few people that have given an opinion that has really, really bothered me.

Let me give you an example.

A few weeks back I had a phone call from a lady who runs parenting workshops. This is not autism related, just general parenting. I would jump at the chance of attending a workshop based on parenting an autistic child. She had been given my number by someone in an official capacity to suggest I attend a parenting workshop on dealing with bad behaviour using positive reinforcement. This was following a recent incident. I cannot say too much as it will give away the person who suggested I attended this workshop. Well, I have never been so offended in my entire life. Hayden is not naughty, and regular parenting methods aren’t always the most effective when parenting an autistic child. Normal discipline does not work. Time out means nothing to Hayden, we have used rewards charts with mixed results, taking things away as punishment has no effect whatsoever and Hayden’s ‘negative’ behaviour is not a ‘normal’ 5 year old acting up or having a tantrum. To suggest that my parenting is the problem? Is completely ridiculous and highly offensive. This particular incident had occurred because Hayden was incredibly tired. He’d had a run of unsettled nights, and there had been a few adjustments to his routine. He was being pushed into doing something he didn’t want to do, and was unable to communicate his upset in any other way. He lashed out. Something that happens incredibly rarely outside the home. It was dealt with, a meeting took place to discuss the reasons why this may have happened and what can we do moving forwards to ensure it didn’t occur too often. Nothing more needed to be said on the matter. So to receive this phone call the following day was incredibly upsetting.

I have also had other people (some, being family members) suggest my parenting needs some improvement.

I know I’m not perfect, and sometimes I question my own parenting skills. Sometimes I sit and curse Autism, sometimes I cry and wonder if I am doing enough for Hayden and my other two monkey’s. I do not need anybody else to add to that self doubt that creeps in from time to time.

It is one thing delivering parenting advice when you have similar circumstances, it is totally different when you have no idea what daily life is really like.

So in future, keep your parenting advice to yourself! I’m doing the best I can. And that’s good enough!

parenting advice

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21 thoughts on “I don’t need your parenting advice

  • sam

    I agree completely. I have three special needs children with two of them having Autism so I too have had lots of “parenting advice”. If someone asked me I would offer suggestions but otherwise I would never dream of it. Its a shame others dont have that respect for people.

  • Life as Mum

    Totally agree with this post. I write a lot of parenting tips and advice on my blog but I only write it for people who want to hear it or would like help. I would never force my advice on someone, as parents parent differently x

    Thanks for linking up with #justanotherlinky

  • Something Crunchy Mummy

    Well said! I would have been fuming but tears would have fallen. No one, family or friend, has the right the comment on our parenting ability or give advice of joy asked for. Your doing great!! Thanks for linking up to #justanotherlinky xx

  • Domesticated Momster

    I think advice should never be forced upon anyone. I honestly think that unless I ask for your advice then please just keep it to oneself. Unless of course I have something stuck in my teeth then of course I would want the person who I was with to please advise me of that situation. It sounds to me like you are doing just fine at doing what works for you. Don’t let others get under your skin. Sometimes they don’t even realize that they are being negative or saying upsetting things. I have found that in this world some people are just truly clueless. I am visiting from #justanotherlinky Trista, Domesticated Momster

  • James

    Can totally understand your anger and frustration.
    Discipline seems to be a really difficult topic for people to understand when it comes to autism. I’d love to see Super Nanny come and have a go at our house!
    Nobody’s perfect, we all question our parenting skills on bad days, but just know you are always doing the best you can and believe in that. Keep up the good work!

  • Catie: An imperfect mum

    If that person was working in an official capacity then you should make a complaint. Autism isn’t bad behaviour and the same techniques do not work. No wonder you were upset but well done for standing up for yourself! I always think of th perfect answer afterwards. I love that saying, No I can’t beat the autism out of my child as much as I can’t slap the rudeness out of you.

  • Lady Nym

    That’s really shocking. I hope it wasn’t someone in an official capacity who referred you to the workshop because I’m pretty sure that would be considered discrimination. Hayden has a rcognised disorder, he’s not naughty. That would be like referring a parent to a parenting workshop because their child in a wheelchair wouldn’t run around in PE.

    People are so incredibly ignorant.


  • mummy/nannan

    Oh my god how insulting. You are an amazing mum to all three of your boys and dont you forget it. I am so proud of you and i think i can say that for all of your close family. You carry on doing what you are doing. Hayden dose not lash out unless he is frustrated it is the only way he can express his feelings. He dose not mean any harm to anyone its the only way for him. The person who has put these people in touch with you should be ashamed of themselves. Love you my darling. Xxx

  • Mummy Lala (Laura)

    You’re doing a bloody brilliant job in my opinion! You’re ‘enough’ is good enough for you so it should be good enough for everyone else. I’d have been so upset with what has happened to you. The nerve of some people drives me up the wall. I think people leap
    to conclusions without actually thinking about people’s circumstances. People are too quick to judge.

    Laura x